miss adventures

Vivo

Yesterday, I was thoroughly pathetic. Anxiety, and maybe the remnants of last week's caffeine, modafinil, and alcohol, coursed through my veins, as I willed myself to relax against their chemical assault. But my mind raced about the Bar exam, my life, my career, my relationships, my obligations, my dreams, and even my hair color that is just a bit too light. I spent the day pursuing the things I felt I could always exert control over: cleaning and cooking. I made a few elaborate dishes for my dinner party of one. And I laid reclined on the comfy, cushy couch, staring at the ceiling and waiting for the dread to pass.

I knew I was engaged in a fucked-up mentality that had no basis in reason or functional living. It was like last summer, when my study partner and I would walk past a bum on the street and be resentful of him because he had no responsibilities. It's when you make cruel comparisons like that, when you know you've gone cuckoo. I could not enjoy my normal cooking shows (Monday afternoons have the best slate) because I kept thinking how meaningless and silly their craft was. And for me to think that, is really trouble. That's when I've hit rock bottom.

Cirrus calmed me down. She has a soothing, familiar quality, and will invariably say the one thing that creates the turning point in my depression. In the evening, determined to pursue a "if not now, when?" attitude, I allowed myself to partake in a little Monday night leisure. Justin told me about some SIGGRAPH parties and we wound up at the Mayan, then the Hotel Figueroa. There remains in those moments something indefinable that I will always remember, if not be able to describe.

I came back to voice-mails. And emails. Two partners at the firm asking for my help. Long-lost friends who I will reconnect with. You know, the promise of things to come and the reminder to stop acting so selfish.

At Peet's this morning, I was able to enjoy a cup of Kona as if all the answers were inside that cup. Slowly, imperceptibly, I began to feel the way I had felt before any of this had ever started. I am more myself, every minute.

posted by Lucy Sloan @ 3:56 PM