I had sort of a high on Thursday night, that slowly seeped into Friday. Sometime during the weekend, it tapered off. The thing about anxiety -- or maybe just this Bar exam nonsense -- is that it never definitively begins and ends. Along the way, it just becomes a lifestyle. (Heh, beyond the meaning of having taken it a gaggle of times.)Now I am preoccupied about a whole host of other things, obviously too uninteresting to enumerate. But I will say that I made a bad decision in accessing that blog that Cindy showed me, written by Anonymous Lawyer, who styles her blather as, "Stories from the trenches, by a fictional hiring partner at a large law firm in a major city." I say "her", even though the author's gender is unspecified, because I feel that the venomous bile spewed out on the site is the special sort women have the talent for. Now, I don't know what the deal is with it being a "fictional" partner, and to what degree the site recounts real life. But it's a viewpoint, and a narrative, and it's carried out sequentially.
The latest post was just a mean attack on anybody who doesn't pass the Bar the first time. About how people act like it's OK, but it's really not; and essentially how you must feel compelled to make up for it for the rest of your career, because you are a retarded do-nothing of lazy and hopeless intellect, whose promise in the legal world is bleak, if not non-existent. I don't know if the "major city" she's in is in California, where the only consistent element of the grading rubric is deciding that 47-48% of the applicants will pass. That's a very eerie way to decide that the remaining 52-53% are imbecilic fuck-ups who don't have a chance in life. Usually, it is difficult to truly offend me -- but this characterization, offered by a loser with no identity, was still unsettling. It actually made me angry, with all that I have been through this year.
I will never fault circumstance for my not passing. Obviously, passing is something that is wholly within my hands. But I refuse to have my attitude be anything but one of perseverance and hopefulness. And really, anybody out there who looks down on attorneys who sit for the exam more than once is the reason lawyers get bad raps as being pompous, self-concerned assholes. They are more concerned with using their profession as a calling card of lifestyle and status. And I'll be damned if I'll ever measure the quality of my good life that way.
The irony is, after all that venting, I'm not going to provide a link to the site.
But I will continue to refer to my good life. This weekend, it involved the Arsenal, and a fat party of my best and extended friends. I was definitely more trashed than I ought to have been, but it befitted the occasion. I had excellent Livornese at Sor Tino. I drove down part of the coastline with good music and better company. I was in a boat with a glass of Chianti. I woke up to something nice. I had fantastic noodle soup. I got bamboozled into singing for a bunch of chinks again, and wearing a gown, no less. I had Cecil's barbecue for the first (and undoubtedly, not the last) time. What a difference a week makes.
Goldfinger is on. No better way to close a Sunday.
posted by Lucy Sloan @ 10:28 PM
1 Comments:
I'm sorry, Karen. When I showed you the site, I was well aware that the writer is an ass, but I wanted you to see what the jerkish mentalities of hiring partners are since you'd have to deal the type in your career. He hadn't written that entry yet when I referred you to the site. (It is a "he", as in earlier postings he mentioned his wife.) Not sure if this'll make you feel better, but he did admit to having failed to bar himself.
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