I hope this is not my second to last law school final of all time. For morale's sake, I will not be disappointed in myself if I do not make it, but I will be very proud of myself if I do. But it's generally best not to cloud one's mind with these kinds of thoughts on the eve of a major examination.
Cafe Crema is in Pacific Beach and is one of the few coffee houses that close at 1:00 AM in this area. I study there as long as I can stand and then I take the scenic route home -- across Mission Bay, with all the streetlights lining the bridge, making a soft orange glow that subtly reflects off of the large expanses of water on either side. It's one of my favorite sights in San Diego. There are large curving roads that force me to keep the steering wheel angled for more than 7 seconds. Usually, there's a mist, and always, I pass Sea World, but to this day I have not really seen any structure that might indicate I am in the park's vicinity.
I am obsessed with self-love and other people loving me. Tonight I tried to recenter myself and remember it's far more rewarding to love than to be loved. I used to be like that, probably because I resigned myself to feeling unloved. Since I am the Queen of Rationalization I told myself that it wasn't really that I cared about being loved -- I was not being denied anything -- it's just that I prefer to love instead. And then growing up and getting older revealed lots of pleasant surprises, like admiration and freedom and wearing shorter skirts and higher shoes and access to alcohol-vending environments, and I dismissed the old loser, second-best notions. But tonight, I think I am returning a little bit to myself. I don't think I'm settling, either.
So, tonight, I conclude that when P tells me I have a beautiful voice, I am pleased not for her compliment but because I love her generosity and openness. When S tells me I am pretty, I love his kindness and gentleness. When M tells me that I deserve good things, I love her faith and loyalty.
A year ago I discovered Shakira's poetry. For some reason too around this time I was very attached to the Cars' "Drive." My dog was dying. I was in LA and I was constantly fearful but had never ever been more hopeful.
My last revelation for today is that sometimes it is never too prudent to dig about people's pasts. After all, doesn't it all come around.
I've learned all this today plus a year's worth of Contract law. I'd say it was a busy day.
posted by Lucy Sloan @ 1:14 AM
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