My frustration with my file server never ends. I suppose there are alternate ways of getting cute little pics up, but I'm too lazy to explore them. And then I wrangle and wrest with the San Diego server, all for nought. So the thumbnail-less posts continues.
It's much too late for me to be goofing off on here, when there is precious sleep to be had and weddings to stand up in. This isn't the forum to share this, but I'm not even speaking to my sister. This is one of those ironies in life (as hackneyed, overused a term as that is), situations that you never would have imagined, in all those years you waited to see how something would unfurl.
I remember a conversation with Erik once. It was over breakfast, as many of the conversations were, and we were talking about the people we once were, and the people we were then. He told me how his mother admonished him not to "be too set in his ways." It was so simple, so funny, and just classic. Just when you know who you are, and what you like, it actually makes life a little more difficult to live because you are that much more unwavering.
I have been saying often to myself, "I am too old for this." Not that I feel the onset of years or hastened towards the Botox injection. Instead, it's what Erik and I spoke of that morning. Maybe I am getting really set in my ways. There is less room for negotiation, a little less forgiveness, a hardening character. Writing things off completely doesn't seem like that big of a deal anymore.
I see that however I choose to go about tomorrow, they are two sides of the same coin. It won't change anything -- how it was, how it will be. I could play nice and give up something inside. I know Alanis Morissette has sung about this at some point. Or I could be a shrew and cramp it all up -- behavior that wouldn't please me either.
I thought today, looking at myself, things always do reveal themselves, sooner or later. There must be comfort in that.
posted by Lucy Sloan @ 1:13 AM
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