Everything everyone's ever told me is now rushing back, even as I feel that I never learned a word of law in my life. I don't want to take this accursed thing. Was it worse the first time? Was it better when I just didn't know what to expect?I feel more powerless now than I have in recent days, and I think it is largely due to having to shack up at my sister's house, since she lives near the testing center. I am without many of my usual comforts (wireless internet excepted -- as always). But a situation like this only highlights the fact that those comforts really were never important at all. And that when it comes to a critical task at hand, everything must fall to the waist side.
I found it amusing that two posts ago somebody felt compelled to use Brad Pitt's cause to poke a pitchfork at me about the past Bar exam. (Tracy's term.) I thought, at first, hey, does my dad read my blog? Then I knew that wasn't fair of me, because my dad has been so supportive that I have found it difficult to speak to him lest I am overcome with guilt and underachievement. I thought secondly that the individual was the sort that would swipe candy from a child's hand. I have never minded feeling stupid. I have made a career of it, an art of it. It is immeasurably more foolish, after all, for a person to have never felt stupid in their life.
It really only bothers me when I let people down. I have been so lucky that the people around me never let me feel that I have failed them. If people create the sense and the purpose, then I am filled with it.
posted by Lucy Sloan @ 1:02 AM
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