On my way out of my Pilates class this afternoon, I caught a glimpse of my body form in the wide mirror spanning the entire length of the room. I took note of the fact that, although I was not fat, I just had acquired so much body. There was something disturbingly womanly about my physique which I had such a dreadful feeling about.
And then I remembered what I had dreamed the night before. I remember seeing myself in the dream, like out of body and third person, only the "me" I was looking at was from maybe 10 years ago. It was more like a teenage girl and she was gaunt and skinny. In reality, I probably have never looked like that in my life. The girl was long-legged and coltish, and even in the dream, it was clear that it was how I imagined that I used to be.
I did used to be much thinner. I looked girlish. I know that I cannot expect more out of my body now than what I presently have. I can't wish that I never got a butt and boobs, and actually, in the words of an old friend, "a little body never hurt anyone."
But, it was then that I realized, I am seriously my own worst enemy. I was coveting a body that I used to have, a person that I used to be, corporeally. I'm racing with myself and loathing things that either were or are within the realm of my control alone. It's a daunting thought, the power that a person's own mind has over them. The idea that you can hate so many things in the world, but primarily you're just battling with yourself.
As a side note, my Pilates instructor today kept calling me, "Michelle" ("Michelle, drop that butt." "Michelle, pull in that navel.") He called me "Michelle" about 3 times before I just accepted it and gave up bothering to correct him; Lord only knows how many times he had called me "Michelle" before that, when I thought he was talking to some chick on the other side of the room. By the end of the class, I had stepped into the identity of a "Michelle" and kind of thought it was my name. So if you see me on the street, and call out, "Michelle!" I may very well turn around.
posted by Lucy Sloan @ 7:11 PM
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