I don't know if I was afraid of the stigma attached with taking the Bar multiple times. Twice seemed kosher, routine. And I know of people (not JFK, Jr.) who have taken it even beyond a few times. I don't know if I just felt guilty again, or embarrassed, or stupid. But right now, I just feel dead.
I have had some great conversations about this, even if I have been stunned for the last 22 hours. I have laughed and cried. I have had hope and despair. And right now, I don't know if I want to just sit here and be the hollow, uninteresting mass that I am, or if I should step outside into the warm sun and compel gaiety and normalcy. The only thing that feels right is being honest with myself.
To me, it is like the frustration where your friends can get to World 6 in Super Mario Bros., and you can't. How come they can, but you can't? It's off-base, and not a skill expected of the average individual, and not even a marker of success. But you've already started playing the game and you'll be damned if you can't get to that level, too. That's what it's like. A Nintendo control and sore thumbs.
Anyway, if I haven't called you yet, it isn't because I don't want to talk to you, or talk about it. I am, you know, just soaking it in right now.
posted by Lucy Sloan @ 4:24 PM
1 Comments:
Hey Karen.
Hope you don't mind... Paigey gave me your blog. You are the smartest and most inspiring human. I had no idea you were such a marvelous writer (even though Paige had told me as much). I know this sounds lame, but it comes strait grom Gram's mouth (you know her well by now, I am sure)... All this shit (kay - she didn't say that) happens for a reason. I know it was the matter of a reader who had had one less whisky when he sat down to read my test, compared to the neo-nazi reader that read yours.
I would love to go out to dinner and/or a movie with you. I miss you. Call me when you want, kay?
Amy (aka Bamberg) - 310)570-3713
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