I get mad. It happens more often than I'd like. And I've spent a good deal of my life concealing such emotions for fear of offending anybody. I believe the label I have relied on to describe myself is, "anti-confrontational." It's a rare occasion when I really, truly speak honestly about what is inside.
And usually after such emotional purging, I am again awash in guilt that I should not have shed the cool armor of indifference. I guess we all feel this way. But I'm pretty sure that on any given day, I'm a bigger wuss than you are.
I responded weakly today to a confrontation. Afterward, I felt prematurely defeated that I had not been more aggressive. And then my mind fell into its usual habit of decrying the unfairness of the world for those people who are nice and get trampled upon and have nothing to show for it. But surprisingly, I got a positive response, and it seemed that my kindness won my adversary over. So I was pleased and was left with a grim sense of satisfaction.
Now, I am still morally lost. Is the high road really the better road? There is no guarantee that everytime you act the bigger person and restrain yourself, that you will yield a happy ending. I have a few friends who reliably tell others off and blow up when they damn well please. They seem to lead very clear, unambiguous lives. I'd love to have such firm direction, instead of always cowering behind a rock and them emerging slowly when my adversary comes around and says, "OK, yeah, I see it your way." There is no answer to this age-old quandary. In fact, isn't Put up with people's shit one of the Ten Commandments?
In other news, I woke up this morning to all kinds of friends directing my attention to Ashlee Simpson's most recent snafu. Ironically, she has a healthy publicity blitz leading up to her second season show premiere. One perceptive commentator noted, "So the Simpson sisters make their careers from being laughingstocks. It's aight." Well, yes. Don't hate the player, people, hate the game!
posted by Lucy Sloan @ 9:03 PM
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